It had happened one too many times. Somebody had pointed out that I was on my way to becoming one of the biggest players in the local entertainment business - and it had turned out they were talking not about my net worth, but my girth. I had bulked up over the winter like Robert De Niro did to play fat-assed boxer Jake La Motta in Raging Bull, even though getting big wasn't required for my big role of the spring (as a KGB agent in the recently-wrapped mini-series The Company). So I and my favorite friends - especially booze, steaks, and rich desserts - had to part company. But there comes a point when a man, tired of subsisting on trail mix, gorp and scroggin', demands to be fed. And that point came when the editors of Chew called and asked if I'd "audition" the beef burger at Champs Sports Pub for a role in their epic Budapest Burgerwar™.

So I escaped not only my evil diet but the sweltering heat of Budapest for the air conditioned glory of Budapest's best-known sports-themed bar/restaurant chain basement outlet in Pest's District VII. I brought my laptop, and worked on a script, utilizing their slightly sporadic Wi-Fi, as I steeled myself for the sudden influx of so many delicious fat calories. My assignment was to be a tough critic, but once I saw the beef burger on that menu I knew it would be hard. As you can imagine, I didn't take too long to order.

Unusually for Champs, my waiter wasn't a snarling vixen with a fake mahogany tan and long fingernails with squiggly patterns on them, but a friendly and well- mannered young bloke who looked bemused when I took a snapshot of my burger: Tourists. And a delicious burger it was, with a non-crumbly sesame seed bun, not too much lettuce, some sliced tomatoes and onions, a healthy squirt of mayonnaise, and a big bowl of ketchup to smother all over the fries, which were similarly fine. The only problem was the beef, which though nicely charred, could have been a bit more, well, beefy. And no, they didn't ask how I'd like it done. (Though maybe that's because my waiter correctly suspected I would have quoted Woody Harrelson in The Cowboy Way, who, when asked how he wanted his steak, said "Just whack off the horns, wipe its ass, and throw it on the plate.") But all things said, it seemed well worth the Ft 1,875 (€7.60), which, for the record, doesn't include a 10% service charge added to the bill, and well worth the calories - at least until my agent finds out.

How They Stack Up:

Meat: (7/10)
Bun: (8/10)
Trimmings: (8/10)
Service/Setting: (7/10)
Affordability: (5/10)
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Total Score: 7.0/10